鬼百合
One day we will wake to his obituary :-)
BREAKING: NY Post Achieves Full Erection After Linking Shooter to Transgender Roommate
NEW YORK, NY— The New York Post just broke the news that the alleged Charlie Kirk shooter might've been living with a transgender partner. While it's unclear what exactly that has to do with the assassination, the Post's lead editor described the revelation as, "The kind of exhilaration only felt as a young teen, on the cusp of manhood, sneaking downstairs to turn on the TV to watch late-night HBO on mute."
Flushed and panting, Josh Christenson, lead journalist on the story, explained, "Yeah, it's only one unnamed source from the FBI, and we don't know if they were a couple, friends, or merely roommates, but the moment we all saw 'Trans' in a thousand-point font on the headline?" He chuckled and undid his tie, "There was a collective orgasm in the room that left us moaning for a minute straight. I still have the tingles."
"We could have found more sources to verify, but we were too busy calling janitorial." One staffer who preferred to remain anonymous said, "The sheer amount of... fluids was up there with a Diddy freak off."
Editors reportedly convened an all-hands meeting in the bullpen where the lead editor barked out next steps: “I want this trans woman’s entire life story. Dig up every mean tweet she said about Trump. I need photos of her before and after transitioning on my desk within the hour. We should've been deadnaming and doxxing her ten minutes ago—let’s go people, MOVE!”
Media watchdogs noted the Post did not mention the shooter’s radicalization, weapon access, or motive until paragraph twenty-two, buried beneath three pull quotes about the roommate’s pronouns.
“It’s textbook Post,” said one analyst. “They won't cover a car crash unless there's a trans person they can blame for distracting the driver with their bewitching transness."
Critics were quick to emphasize that the article offered no explanation for how a roommate’s gender identity directly caused the assassination, but this did not dampen the newsroom’s fervor. “We don’t need to explain it,” one editor said, snorting a line of Blue Chew Viagra. “We just repeat the word, over and over, until readers get the same Pavlovian hard-on we do.”
At press time, the Post announced a companion podcast titled Groomed to Kill, promising listeners they’d “leave convinced the trans roommate personally loaded the gun.”
