pedophiles and the lasting damage that they leave behind them

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Don Quixote

Don Quixote

cancer survivor
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pedophiles leaving lasting marks on those that they prey on

the feelings low esteem and lack of self worth

i guess that you know where this is going

my stepfather was a pedophile

it has taken me about 55 years to begin to come to grips with this legacy

the feelings of anger and shame are incredible

i buried these feelings and their origin and like a festering wound they have poisoned my life

my wife tells me that i would alternate between telling her about it and forgetting about it

all i can say is that having had it happen to me sucks big time:mad:
 
Yep, the exploitation that paedophiles perpetrate leaves hidden but long-lasting damage - not that I'm trying to tell you that.

What appalled me (apart from the obvious) was their attitude when being interviewed. The "I did nothing wrong" and the "but I love <the child>" made me want to slam a typewriter against their heads. I didn't of course, would have got in strife and lost the case.

Anger is understandable but needs to be expressed constructively (yes as a matter of fact I do sound like a patronising twat but it's not meant to be taken that way).

Shame should be felt by the perpetrator but it very, very rarely is.

Kudos to you DQ for being able to put your words on the screen.
 
Damn DQ, i'm going to have to second citizen and state I'm at a loss for words myself. I'm not sure what it would be but if there is anything we can do to help, listen or what ever, please let us know.
 
Im glad you have the courage to be open about it and realize your we a victim and its nothing to be ashamed of. salute
 
DonQuixote said:
pedophiles leaving lasting marks on those that they prey on

the feelings low esteem and lack of self worth

i guess that you know where this is going

my stepfather was a pedophile

it has taken me about 55 years to begin to come to grips with this legacy

the feelings of anger and shame are incredible

i buried these feelings and their origin and like a festering wound they have poisoned my life

my wife tells me that i would alternate between telling her about it and forgetting about it

all i can say is that having had it happen to me sucks big time:mad:
Click to expand...



Right on DQ, You are robbing the bastard of his ability to keep you quiet on the matter.
You one very brave man.
I praise you for your bravery. Its hard for people to understand painful childhoods if they have not had one. Even those we love dearly just dont feel like hearing about it at times. Our pain somethimes invades their sweet memories of childhood and they want to wipe those cobwebbs away and dont want you to tell them about it again. The hardest part of that is talking about it is the best way for people who have painful childhoods to come to grips with it. Its always secret you are not supposed to tell about. "Never tell the neighbors Dad gets drunk and yells and screams adn smacks people arround". "Never tell people Dad got drunk with the boss and got himself fired". "Never tell the new neighbors our last house got reposessed".

My husband once told me "dont tell people because no one wants to hear about it" He was right and is still right. That is why people like you and me need each other to talk to. This is why people need therapy. People who have not been through it dont understand how they are supposed to react. I dont blame them for not wanting their scenes of childhood bliss contaminated with the scenes of my childhood but what am I supposed to do? Never speak of your childhood(keep the fucking secret for the people still) ,make up a pretend childhood(lie) or pretend to be a medical mystery which was born at 18 fully raised(lie again).

Its the lies that are added to the humiliation that make it so hard to take.
Some one who was supposed to love and care for you USED you to make themselfs Feel better for the momment. Then you are supposed to just lie for them the rest of your life. When those people who dont know say things like "Gee your Dad/Stepdad is such a fun guy it must have been great being his kid" your entire insides just move arround inside you like a snake and your face gives away the fact that you internally dispise them and their betryal of your safety and childlike nature, what are you supposed to do. They then walk away thinking you are an ungreatful kid.

The secrets are for them and they tear the victim appart.

YOU ARE A BRAVE MAN !

You beat the worst part of this man to shreads with your honesty.

What ever little good exsisted inside that man pales in comparison to the Man you have become.

You are a man of truth and bravery I will forever see you in that armor you name implies but it wont be windmills you will be slaying .You slay lies and the failings of lesser men.

You are a Man of honor in armor forever in my mind.
 
i thank each of you for your understanding and kind words

i was 8 when this happened to my brother and me

we did not know that this was wrong, but inside i think that we wondered what we had done wrong to make this happen

my brother and i never discussed it - my brother, step father and mother are all dead now

until recently i was certain that it was my fault, but i have a therapist and a loving wife to tell me otherwise...it is just so hard to believe though
 
This is why it is just such a cruel thing to do. Kids always internalise it as somehow being about them. It is done to them not because of them. It is the adult who justifies to themselfs that what they are doing is not doing any harm to the child. Some of the really hard parts for a kid is the feelings of love for a person who would do this to them. I loved my Dad. He was unpleasant to me, ignored me for the most part, belittled me. When he needed to feel better about himself in the world would torment me with hours of yelling and condeming every little thing I did, tell me I didnt matter to him and was basically a failure. I was a 15 year old failure. I went to school ,did my work, watched my little brother and sister, Mowed the lawn , went very few places and asked for next to nothing. I was a 15 year old failure. Why did he do this? To this day I really dont know. I had the solace that he had done the same to all my older 5 siblings and that it wasnt just me and that helped a little. I came back and took my little bro and sis to disney land and bought them clothes and did whatever I could to make sure they knew this was his probelm and not theirs. I think it really helped them to have someone to reassure them that nothing about this was because of who they are. The day my sister turned 18 she moved in with me to finish High school. They are now very happy adults and my Dad is gone. I really do think I helped to mute some of the pain.

Loving and hating someone at the same time is just such a wierd feeling. To be so very disappointed with the most powerful person in your life gives you a prespective unlike any other I think. I will see loving father daughter relationships on TV or in a movie Or even in real life and to this day they can make me tear up. I will NEVER have that. I will never know what it feels like as a child or adult to look into the eyes of your father and see pure parental love. I know women who turn into little girls in the presance ot their fathers. Its a total mystery to me.
Then there is the thing you gain from having this type of upbringing. I felt the stirring of it at a young age. I have to do it myself. I am surrounded by people who cant care for me in the emotional way that I need them to. I have to do it myself. If after a while your father cant scare you then who in your life can? I became set on showing the MF what the hell I was made of. I am smart! I will do things better than you because YOU are the failure. I will bring with it all the compassion you were completely deviod of. I will realize that when I feel pain I will never take it out on anyone. I will champion the downtrodden who people belittle so they can feel tall.

I had an opportunity you may never have Had Don. I had the opportunity to confront my father more than once. The funny thing is it was not on my own behalf. I could suffer the slings in arrows on my own behalf but when he targeted my older brother and my Mother I stood in his face and stred him down. It was the greatest gift in my life. I took the power and I never gave it back. I even took my parents money and food after leaving home when they needed it. In the end I was the parent. I was a much better parent than him. It was my proof to myself that I had overcome the small parts of his charactor. IN the end he had an aneurism and was a childlike six foot confused child for three years. I loved him. I missed the guy he used to be. When he died I missed him. Then the second chapter began and I was wholey unprepaired for it. The thought of why my mother stood by and cow towed to him and allowed him to tear to shreds all of us kids. Im still dealing with the anger from that one. It just always seems to find a way to effect you. I send her money, flowers and visit and buy her what she needs when Im there(often against her will). I still cant see her the same as I did when I was a child. I cant see the one who loved me and protected me that I used to see before my Dad died. I try not to let it effect her much. I dont think should could process the idea.


Its the gift the just keeps giving Huh Don?

Im gald to hear you have a designated person to talk to. Im glad you are loved. Im also glad you shared this on the site. Sometimes it really is better to have people know why people think like they do and where it all comes from.

It helps the kids who read this and the ones who are still to affraid to stop protecting the lies. Its part of the human condition and needs to be understood. That is why it was so brave of you to share this. Thanks for your bravery.
 
If all victims were as open about it as you... less of this would happen and victims would suffer less.

You da man!
 
DonQuixote said:
i thank each of you for your understanding and kind words

i was 8 when this happened to my brother and me

we did not know that this was wrong, but inside i think that we wondered what we had done wrong to make this happen

my brother and i never discussed it - my brother, step father and mother are all dead now

until recently i was certain that it was my fault, but i have a therapist and a loving wife to tell me otherwise...it is just so hard to believe though
Click to expand...
There is little doubt speaking out loud about it helps. No need keeping other people's skeletons in your own closet. That just clogs up the closet.
 
My Grandfather who died a few months ago molested my aunts as children and abused my dad. Whenever he was like 55 he got "saved" and so they decided not to say anything about it. This even after tried to molest my sister. I can't believe they even let her over there in the first place.

There's this idea of respect in the south, that my father still held too, that you shouldn't disrespect or hurt your parents no matter what they did to you or how they abused you. This was always infuriating to me. My dad was abused, and his sisters were molested, and they still to this day keep up their justifications for glorifying him.
 
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Yeah its hard Water. They are someone you so wnat to love that it coulds the judgement sometimes.

He probably had SOME good in him but it truely is a monsterous act.

Like I have always said I would never condem someone for having the feelings but I sure as hell would condem them for acting on them. The more people talk about it in the light of day the easier it is to break the cycle. Many who do offend learned it from someone. Ending the cycle is what is most important and only the cleansing light of day can do that.
 
DQ I am in awe, complete awe, at your bravery. It is very hard for a child, even an adult child, to discuss the pain and betrayal they feel at the hands of an abuser who was supposed to to protect them. I know he was your stepdad, but his job was still to protect you. I have a step mom that I have called mom since I was 15 because she was everything my mother was not. My mother was not even in the same league as your stepdad but she had a very low frustration threshold and my brother and I suffered for it sometimes. But nothing like you have described here. I think it is important for you to tell people about your abuse so that younger people, especially kids, know that it is better to tell someone about the abuse now then holding on to it till it poisons their lives and the lives of the people they choose to be with. They need to know that it is ok to tell on mom or dad or an uncle or anyone that harms them in this way. The movie the Crow, which is overall hokie, has one line in it that I think is very powerful, Mother (or Father) is the name of god on the lips of a child. If that person abuses them, it is very difficult to turn on that "god". Only when they see that others have done it and survived can they stop the abuse and the abuser.

Much love my brother.
 
Desh said:
This is why it is just such a cruel thing to do. Kids always internalise it as somehow being about them. It is done to them not because of them. It is the adult who justifies to themselfs that what they are doing is not doing any harm to the child. Some of the really hard parts for a kid is the feelings of love for a person who would do this to them. I loved my Dad. He was unpleasant to me, ignored me for the most part, belittled me. When he needed to feel better about himself in the world would torment me with hours of yelling and condeming every little thing I did, tell me I didnt matter to him and was basically a failure. I was a 15 year old failure. I went to school ,did my work, watched my little brother and sister, Mowed the lawn , went very few places and asked for next to nothing. I was a 15 year old failure. Why did he do this? To this day I really dont know. I had the solace that he had done the same to all my older 5 siblings and that it wasnt just me and that helped a little. I came back and took my little bro and sis to disney land and bought them clothes and did whatever I could to make sure they knew this was his probelm and not theirs. I think it really helped them to have someone to reassure them that nothing about this was because of who they are. The day my sister turned 18 she moved in with me to finish High school. They are now very happy adults and my Dad is gone. I really do think I helped to mute some of the pain.

Loving and hating someone at the same time is just such a wierd feeling. To be so very disappointed with the most powerful person in your life gives you a prespective unlike any other I think. I will see loving father daughter relationships on TV or in a movie Or even in real life and to this day they can make me tear up. I will NEVER have that. I will never know what it feels like as a child or adult to look into the eyes of your father and see pure parental love. I know women who turn into little girls in the presance ot their fathers. Its a total mystery to me.
Then there is the thing you gain from having this type of upbringing. I felt the stirring of it at a young age. I have to do it myself. I am surrounded by people who cant care for me in the emotional way that I need them to. I have to do it myself. If after a while your father cant scare you then who in your life can? I became set on showing the MF what the hell I was made of. I am smart! I will do things better than you because YOU are the failure. I will bring with it all the compassion you were completely deviod of. I will realize that when I feel pain I will never take it out on anyone. I will champion the downtrodden who people belittle so they can feel tall.

I had an opportunity you may never have Had Don. I had the opportunity to confront my father more than once. The funny thing is it was not on my own behalf. I could suffer the slings in arrows on my own behalf but when he targeted my older brother and my Mother I stood in his face and stred him down. It was the greatest gift in my life. I took the power and I never gave it back. I even took my parents money and food after leaving home when they needed it. In the end I was the parent. I was a much better parent than him. It was my proof to myself that I had overcome the small parts of his charactor. IN the end he had an aneurism and was a childlike six foot confused child for three years. I loved him. I missed the guy he used to be. When he died I missed him. Then the second chapter began and I was wholey unprepaired for it. The thought of why my mother stood by and cow towed to him and allowed him to tear to shreds all of us kids. Im still dealing with the anger from that one. It just always seems to find a way to effect you. I send her money, flowers and visit and buy her what she needs when Im there(often against her will). I still cant see her the same as I did when I was a child. I cant see the one who loved me and protected me that I used to see before my Dad died. I try not to let it effect her much. I dont think should could process the idea.


Its the gift the just keeps giving Huh Don?

Im gald to hear you have a designated person to talk to. Im glad you are loved. Im also glad you shared this on the site. Sometimes it really is better to have people know why people think like they do and where it all comes from.

It helps the kids who read this and the ones who are still to affraid to stop protecting the lies. Its part of the human condition and needs to be understood. That is why it was so brave of you to share this. Thanks for your bravery.
Click to expand...

desh

i am truly sorry that your father did not treat you they way a child (daughter or son) should be treated - with love and fairness

my mother (likely with the best of intentions) always told me that i could do better regardless of what i accomplished

in addition to the molestation, my step father did not like the fact that i was bright

YES, it is important that children (either as children or as adults) understand that the most important and powerful people in their life can make serious mistakes that have nothing to do with the child's essential worth

take care and my best to you and yours
 
Socrtease said:
DQ I am in awe, complete awe, at your bravery. It is very hard for a child, even an adult child, to discuss the pain and betrayal they feel at the hands of an abuser who was supposed to to protect them. I know he was your stepdad, but his job was still to protect you. I have a step mom that I have called mom since I was 15 because she was everything my mother was not. My mother was not even in the same league as your stepdad but she had a very low frustration threshold and my brother and I suffered for it sometimes. But nothing like you have described here. I think it is important for you to tell people about your abuse so that younger people, especially kids, know that it is better to tell someone about the abuse now then holding on to it till it poisons their lives and the lives of the people they choose to be with. They need to know that it is ok to tell on mom or dad or an uncle or anyone that harms them in this way. The movie the Crow, which is overall hokie, has one line in it that I think is very powerful, Mother (or Father) is the name of god on the lips of a child. If that person abuses them, it is very difficult to turn on that "god". Only when they see that others have done it and survived can they stop the abuse and the abuser.

Much love my brother.
Click to expand...

soc

thank you, at the time that my step father did what he did to my brother and i, such things just were not discussed nor believed

we lived in a 'good' community and it was the early 50's

it is best to let the light of day and truth in so healing can begin
 
DonQuixote said:
desh

i am truly sorry that your father did not treat you they way a child (daughter or son) should be treated - with love and fairness

my mother (likely with the best of intentions) always told me that i could do better regardless of what i accomplished

in addition to the molestation, my step father did not like the fact that i was bright

YES, it is important that children (either as children or as adults) understand that the most important and powerful people in their life can make serious mistakes that have nothing to do with the child's essential worth

take care and my best to you and yours
Click to expand...

Thank you fellow traveler, always remember you are not alone in your pain. There are many of us out there. Take care.
 
Damn..............

My heart really goes out to you guys...I was very lucky I was raised in a total family oriented family...Parents,grandparents,uncles, aunts,cousins siblings all normal lots of normal family get togethers...no weird things happened...no scars to remember...we were not perfect, normal family disagreements and all...but nothing that lasted for any duration or caused psychological trauma I see being expressed on this thread....


All I can say is I am sorry you missed out on a normal childhood!:(
 
It is still amazing to me the number of people impacted by abuse such as this. While I was never sexually abused, I was physically abused as a child. It took years for my father (who thankfully saw the error of his ways and sought therapy) and I to build a healthy, trusting relationship.

I cannot imagine how hard it would be for people to experience more than just physical abuse.
 
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