This made me laugh! (Twat Free Version)

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This is an old ad circa 1989, still funny to my mind at least.



Sent from my iPhone 25S with cherries on top

[MAGA MAN]

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water-cooler the next morning.

When Debra came in with a horrible hangover after partying all night, she went directly to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

"Could you jack-off for now?" she replied. "I feel like shit. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime.”

I had to let Jack go.

[MAGA MAN]

A woman meets a man in a bar.


They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..


They get back to his place,




And as he shows her around his apartment.



She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the bedroom,





With hundreds and hundreds of cute,



Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!


It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them



And she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf.

Medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf.


And huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy


To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,




She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.


But doesn't mention this to him.



They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,


After a while, she finds herself
thinking,


'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!


Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'


She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips.


He responds warmly.


They continue to kiss, the passion builds.



And he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom.



Where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
The afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,



And says:




'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'

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[MAGA MAN]

The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.

THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.


NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO

"DEFROST THE CHICKEN."

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The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER'S BACK-REST IN TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.

THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THE EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.


NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO

"DEFROST THE CHICKEN."

That apocryphal story has been doing the rounds for decades.

http://www.snopes.com/science/cannon.asp

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https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=...&v=CKjaFG4YN6g

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12 deeply regrettable haircuts

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/08/19/...haircuts-time/

[USFREEDOM911]

To many subtitles and not enough close up shots.

[MAGA MAN]

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Kentucky) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Kentuckian said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

"1" "2" "3" “4” "5" (you'll love this....)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, and All of Washington DC.

[MAGA MAN]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24!"

[USFREEDOM911]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" Jenny asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!

"Very good, Jenny," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day Jenny came skipping home from school.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24!"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Now that was funny, I don't care who you are.

[MAGA MAN]

From my Democrat neighbor:

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with Verizon technical support.

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