The Code of Men

**cancel2 2022** · 09-29-2010, 04:47 PM

Thou shall not rent Chocolat
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call “Bullshit!” Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%
If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional.)
Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
Before dating a buddies ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return is required to grant it.
Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothin’.
The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
Your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pals (significant dick-heads — low level sports bonding) is all the law requires.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach. And it’s delivered by a topless supermodel. And it’s free.
Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin,” you may sit back and enjoy.
Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more!” “Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” “Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be referring to his beer.
Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him ... too gay.
Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!” You are absolved of your of responsibility.
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.

**Cancel 2018. 3** · 09-29-2010, 04:50 PM

shite....i rented chocolat

***Phantasmal*** · 09-29-2010, 05:11 PM

Originally Posted by tom prendergast

Thou shall not rent Chocolat
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call “Bullshit!” Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%
If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional.)
Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
Before dating a buddies ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return is required to grant it.
Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothin’.
The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
Your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pals (significant dick-heads — low level sports bonding) is all the law requires.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach. And it’s delivered by a topless supermodel. And it’s free.
Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin,” you may sit back and enjoy.
Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more!” “Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” “Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be referring to his beer.
Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him ... too gay.
Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!” You are absolved of your of responsibility.
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.

These will be used against all men, now we have your code!

**FUCK THE POLICE** · 09-29-2010, 05:31 PM

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

I think the minutes should be x^2, where x is a number from 1-10 on the 'hotness' scale. That means that a 1 would only get 1 minutes (because they are less than human) whereas a 10 would get the same amount of minutes as in your scale. Although maybe it needs further adjustment, because you probably wouldn't wait an hour for a 6 as well. Maybe (x/4.64)^3? Well, anyway, my point is that the worth attributed to hotness is not linear, but hyperbolic.

**DamnYankee** · 09-29-2010, 05:43 PM

Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride

On the Conduct and Procedure
Of the Intimate and Personal Relationships
Of the Marriage State
For the Greater Spiritual Sanctity
Of this Blessed Sacrament
And the Glory of God

by Ruth Smythers
Beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers,
Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church
of the Eastern Regional Conference
Published in the year of our Lord 1894
Spiritual Guidance Press, New York City

To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.

At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it. It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.

Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.
eigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.

Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home. Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.

Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.

A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.

Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.

When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.

If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.

If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.

Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection.

She should be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while he is huffing and puffing away. Above all, she should lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.

One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.

Copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.

**Mott the Hoople** · 09-29-2010, 08:04 PM

Originally Posted by tom prendergast

Thou shall not rent Chocolat
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
When you are queried by a buddy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call “Bullshit!” Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%
If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who’s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering a friend’s birthday is strictly optional.)
Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
Before dating a buddies ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return is required to grant it.
Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem — you didn’t see nothin’.
The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
Your girlfriend must bond with your buddies’ girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pals (significant dick-heads — low level sports bonding) is all the law requires.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you’ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach. And it’s delivered by a topless supermodel. And it’s free.
Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think “What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin,” you may sit back and enjoy.
Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: “Yeah, baby, push it!” “C’mon, give me one more!” “Harder!” “Another set and we can hit the showers.” “Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?”
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That’s just plain mean.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be referring to his beer.
Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she’s withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you’re on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him ... too gay.
Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a “Fuck off!” You are absolved of your of responsibility.
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
In Black Jack, always split aces and eights. No arguments.

You forgot. #33. Always have your homies back. Even if you both get jumped by 13 Hells Angels in a dark alley and it's looking pretty grim, under no circumstances do you run away. If you do, you're a freakin yellow bellied coward and your disqualified for all eternity from the brotherhood of men.

Then there's #34. Never publish the man code where a woman might read it.

**Mott the Hoople** · 09-29-2010, 08:05 PM

Originally Posted by Yurt

shite....i rented chocolat

Did you use it as a coaster?

**BRUTALITOPS** · 09-29-2010, 08:05 PM

TOOOOO LONG

DID

NOT

REAAAAAAAAD

**Mott the Hoople** · 09-29-2010, 08:09 PM

Originally Posted by Rana

These will be used against all men, now we have your code!

See Tom, What did I tell you? Just for that we're going tell your wife where you are.

**christiefan915** · 09-29-2010, 09:00 PM

Originally Posted by Yurt

shite....i rented chocolat

Rent it? I own it!

<swoon>Johnny Depp</swoon>

**Minister of Truth** · 09-29-2010, 09:16 PM

I fail to live up to the following:
4, 5, 7, 12, 14, 24, 29

**Minister of Truth** · 09-29-2010, 09:17 PM

BTW, according to I Love You, Man, its alright to watch Chocolat.

**Minister of Truth** · 09-29-2010, 09:20 PM

As another point, while watching the last UFC fight (Mir vs. Cro Cop) with a roudy group of friends at a bar in the Freemont district of Seattle, rather than booing like much of the crowd did, I shouted out things like "HUG HIM!!" and so forth...

This was partly brought on because one guy brought his wife, and she asked my friend, Carlos, what there was to UFC that could be appreciated by a girl, and he started explaining about half-naked guys rubbing up against each other.