Clearly your closeted sexual behavior isn't the only thing bothering you. You also have a wide streak of misogyny. That's not uncommon in gay's with Mommy issues. For most people our mothers are the primary caregivers our lives. If that caregiver spurns their child after puberty because the child comes out gay, that can have a deeply emotional impact.
Being dumped hurts. Being dumped by one's own mother has to be especially crushing for you.
Bookmarks