The boys and girls were twiddling their thumbs in Cabinet one day last year. "Nothing ever happens these days," sighed Theresa May. "The EU has given in to all my demands, Parliament has approved everything, and now I have nothing to do."

"I know!" said Boris brightly. "We could do a False Flag Op! They're loads of fun."

Seeing the blank looks, he explained: "That's where we do an atrocity, then pin it on somebody we don't like, such as, for example, the Russians."

"Nobody likes the Russians," said Teresa nastily.

"What sort of atrocity?" asked Chancellor Hammond, who was thinking of the expense.

"Like that chap Litvinenko. Michael Goveyboots can work something out - details are his strong point," said Boris, beaming at his trusted comrade. "Loyalty not so much," he added sotto voce.

So they spent an away day at Chequers and came up with a cunning plan to poison a Russian and blame it on the Russians. Salisbury was selected as a double bluff - being only a few miles from the Chemical Weapons Research Establishment, any connection could be dismissed as a conspiracy theory.

And Vlad was landed with another fine mess. He had to put RT on overtime and mobilize a lot of online idiots to speak for the pravda (Russian truth).