The difference between the North and the South

[DamnYankee]

The difference between the North and the South - clearly
explained...

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General .

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses .

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has .45's

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races .

The North has Cream of Wheat , the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens .

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish .

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt .

Northern zoos have exotic animals in cages and a plaque that describes
the creature's natural habitat.

Southern zoos have exotic animals in cages and a plaque that describes
the creature's natural habitat, and a second plaque with a recipe card.

FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . ..


In the South : --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in
a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to
help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store... Do
not buy food at this store.

Remember, 'Y'all' is singular, 'all y'all' is plural, and 'all y'all's' is
plural possessive.

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use
it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't
understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big'ol,' truck or 'big'ol' boy.
Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All are in denial
about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
DO NOT ENUNCIATE!!

Be advised that 'He needed killin..' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' get out of the way.
These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If an accumulation of snow is predicted, proceed immediately to the grocery store.
It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they
are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is
to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear
children, they are not Southerners. If the cat had kittens
in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits. from an email...

My favorite in bold.

[ZappasGuitar]

from an email...

My favorite in bold.

As someone who moved from the North to Texas, my two favorites are:

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
DO NOT ENUNCIATE!!

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, 'Hey, y'all watch this,' get out of the way.
These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

But the one about knives and guns is SO true!

When I first moved here, I kept a knife by my chair just in case, now I keep a gun...

[DamnYankee]

Yeah me to I always had a fixed blade knife close by, now I have a two fingered .40. Both have holsters. :clink:

[charver]

Yeah me to I always had a fixed blade knife close by, now I have a two fingered .40. Both have holsters. :clink:

You make it sound like there are lots of people who'd want to kill you, or something, SM. :)

[WinterBorn]

You make it sound like there are lots of people who'd want to kill you, or something, SM. :)

Are you surprised, Charver?



SM, you would do well to remember:

"AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear
children, they are not Southerners. If the cat had kittens
in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits."

And, of course, neither are yankees who relocated.


:)

[DamnYankee]

You make it sound like there are lots of people who'd want to kill you, or something, SM. :) Lots wanted to kill my hero as well: Jesus. :pke:

[DamnYankee]

Are you surprised, Charver?



SM, you would do well to remember:

"AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear
children, they are not Southerners. If the cat had kittens
in the oven, we ain't gonna call 'em biscuits."

And, of course, neither are yankees who relocated.


:) You seem to think these jokes are truisms. LOL

[charver]

Lots wanted to kill my hero as well: Jesus. :pke:

If only he'd had a pair of pistols, eh? :(

[Thorn]

I've read this one before, but will add one from another such list:

If a driver in the South has a turn signal on, he probably bought the car that way.

This seems to be true. In my experience, a Texas turn signal consists of the driver slamming the brakes on in the middle of the road for no apparent reason, regardless of other traffic approaching or following, and then, perhaps, just perhaps, turning on the signal once the turn has been partly completed.

[WinterBorn]

You seem to think these jokes are truisms. LOL

Just because these are jokes does not mean there is no truth in them.

The one about moving south and having kids is a joke. Your kids will be southern. But moving south as an adult, well......thats a different matter.

[DamnYankee]

If only he'd had a pair of pistols, eh? :( He hadn't invented them yet. Nor did he need them.

[DamnYankee]

Just because these are jokes does not mean there is no truth in them.

The one about moving south and having kids is a joke. Your kids will be southern. But moving south as an adult, well......thats a different matter. That's your opinion. In my opinion you ain't a southerner because you're a liberal.

[DamnYankee]

I've read this one before, but will add one from another such list:

If a driver in the South has a turn signal on, he probably bought the car that way.

This seems to be true. In my experience, a Texas turn signal consists of the driver slamming the brakes on in the middle of the road for no apparent reason, regardless of other traffic approaching or following, and then, perhaps, just perhaps, turning on the signal once the turn has been partly completed. Try driving in Boston; his "signal" will be his middle finger.

[Thorn]

Just because these are jokes does not mean there is no truth in them.

The one about moving south and having kids is a joke. Your kids will be southern. But moving south as an adult, well......thats a different matter.

Very true. A friend of mine from here is now packing to move back to NY State. She says that even after being here for 30 years, she and her husband still don't feel that they belong. And they've immersed themselves in the activities here. She's made many, many friends who are going to sorely miss her, me included, but she's so happy to be going home that we just can't be too sad for her.

[charver]

He hadn't invented them yet. Nor did he need them.

No, he had the great idea of camouflaging himself as a wooden cross. Genius.

Are you hoping to go the same way, SM?

[DamnYankee]

No, he had the great idea of camouflaging himself as a wooden cross. Genius.

Are you hoping to go the same way, SM? The Southern Man is unworthy to die in the same manner as his King.

[charver]

The Southern Man is unworthy to die in the same manner as his King.

In many ways, you do remind me of Jesus though.

I'd steer clear of Romans, just to be on the safe side.

[DamnYankee]

In many ways, you do remind me of Jesus though.

I'd steer clear of Romans, just to be on the safe side. The Southern Man gratiously accepts your compliment.

The Romans have been instrumental in bringing Christ to the world, and have re-canted their ancient idolatry religions for The Truth and Good News.

[charver]

The Southern Man gratiously accepts your compliment.

The Romans have been instrumental in bringing Christ to the world, and have re-canted their ancient idolatry religions for The Truth and Good News.

Yeah, i thought it was great that they contributed to his yearbook and that.

Mind you, if he ever does get round to keeping his appointment to return (bloody tradesman, eh?) i think he'd still maintain a wide berth when passing the Rome branch of Home Depot.

[DamnYankee]

Yeah, i thought it was great that they contributed to his yearbook and that.

Mind you, if he ever does get round to keeping his appointment to return (bloody tradesman, eh?) i think he'd still maintain a wide berth when passing the Rome branch of Home Depot. I would prefer to be taken before He comes again, but if not I will be His faithful soldier.

[Canceled1]

You seem to think these jokes are truisms. LOL

In other words, no one's known the troubles you've seen except for Jesus, SM? :pke:

[charver]

I would prefer to be taken before He comes again, but if not I will be His faithful soldier.

I hope you get a smart uniform?

It would be a right pain if you had to flounce around in a white caftan and sandals.

[WinterBorn]

Very true. A friend of mine from here is now packing to move back to NY State. She says that even after being here for 30 years, she and her husband still don't feel that they belong. And they've immersed themselves in the activities here. She's made many, many friends who are going to sorely miss her, me included, but she's so happy to be going home that we just can't be too sad for her.

Its part of the south. If you weren't born here you will never truly be southern in a lot of people's eyes.

But then, there are lots of places like that. A couple of New England states think that way too.

[DamnYankee]

I hope you get a smart uniform?

It would be a right pain if you had to flounce around in a white caftan and sandals. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

[WinterBorn]

"Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me."

Matthew 25:45

[charver]

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

You don't know the uniform policy then?

Fair enough, i suppose. And if you get comfort from another chap's rod i say best of luck to you.

[DamnYankee]

You don't know the uniform policy then?

Fair enough, i suppose. And if you get comfort from another chap's rod i say best of luck to you. LOL

[FUCK THE POLICE]

TLDR

[Minister of Truth]

I would prefer to be taken before He comes again, but if not I will be His faithful soldier.

That's a funny thing about Catholics - we'd all prefer not to live in the end times, whereas all of those Evangelicals seem to live only for the end times.

Anyway, I liked all of the Northern traits on the list better than the Southern traits, except for the Rust vs. Bible Belt one. On the other hand, the Northern state of Wisconsin is certainly a Bible Belt state that is filled to the brim with churches... I also love PROPER grammar, which is in short supply everywhere.

[Damocles]

Well, if the rapture comes I have the full 'Left Behind' series to use as a reference guide.

[FUCK THE POLICE]

I would prefer to be taken before he comes again, but if not I will be his faithful soldier.

Fixed grammatical errors.

[Minister of Truth]

wATERMARK is teh retardz

[DamnYankee]

Fixed grammatical errors. Of course, the opposite is true.

[DamnYankee]

... I also love PROPER grammar, which is in short supply everywhere.

Ain't that the truth:


wATERMARK is teh retardz

:cof1:

[Mott the Hoople]

You make it sound like there are lots of people who'd want to kill you, or something, SM. :)You ever been to Detroit? LOL

[Mott the Hoople]

Some more differances I have noticed are;

In the south you have soda. In the north we have pop.

In the south you have corn on the cob. In the north we have sweet corn.

In the north we have road side stands where you can buy all varieties of fresh garden produce. In the south you have road side stands where you can buy boiled peanuts, cigerrettes, toilet water and fish that talk.

During dear season in the north the deer out number the hunters. In the south the hunters out number the deer.

In the north it's considered sporting to hunt deer with primitive weapons like bows and muzzle loaders. In the south it's considered sporting to hunt them with an M-1 Abrams.

In the north deer camp is an excuse to get away from the wife and kids for a week of drinking. In the south they actually hunt deer at deer camp, dont drink much, and the craziest guy at the camp is ussually the preacher.

In the north church ussually lasts an hour followed by brunch at Bob Evans. In the south, Church can last all day and they often bring food with them.

In the north, we eat pork chops, pork roast, bacon and ribs. In the south they eat the whole damned pig.

In the north we have "hog roasts" in the south they have "pig pickens".

In the north people with broad vocabularies are considered erudite, articulate and educated. In the south they are considered pretentious snobs.

In the north we build cars. In the south, they drive cars, sometimes even on the road.

In the North "I-80" designates an Insterstate Highway. In the south "I-95" indicates the speed limit.

The north has bourbon. The south has sour mash.

In the north a station wagon is a family car. In the south its a mobile home.

In the north they drive mini-vans. In the south they drive SUV's.

[WinterBorn]

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara,and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America .

Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani.
SOUTH: Herschel Walker & Peyton Manning.

Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus, make a large financial contribution, and put name on a waiting list for tickets.

Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.

Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.

Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.


Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band, who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk
right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it is the
state's third largest city.

Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.

When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team. (...and refer to BAMA as "The Good Guys"!)

After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.



HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

At VANDERBILT: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.

At GEORGIA : It takes two, one to change the bulb and one to stabilize the rolling beer cooler the bulb changer is using for a ladder.

At FLORIDA : It takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one.

At ALABAMA : It takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.

At OLE MISS: It takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU: It takes seven, and each one gets credit for five Semester hours.

At KENTUCKY : It takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.

At TENNESSEE : It takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lamp shade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama .

At MISSISSIPPI STATE : It takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".

At AUBURN : It takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama and Georgia, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.

At SOUTH CAROLINA : It takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.

At ARKANSAS : None. There is no electricity in Arkansas

[Mott the Hoople]

Well at least you got the last one right. ;)